On Friendships

This is a hard post for me to do as my heart is heavy as I write. I've come to this conclusion that I'm may not be a good friend. I always thought I was. It took me almost 40 years to realize maybe I am not. These are the characteristics I thought made you a good friend--being compassionate; being available when needed; non-judgemental; fun; friendly; making time to check in on friends; being able to hang out on a moment's notice; allowing them to give the friendship on their terms, and just being there; I thought these are the characteristics that would give the friends you need. Now, granted, I have lots of guys I consider good friends. No one can beat the notion of a terrific guy friend who's only interested in you on a platonic level. God bless them. You could call him and talk for hours, and it ain't a thing. That's my buddy. I have those.

But there's nothing like a girl friend--one who you can be yourself with, lose yourself with, and just be able to share secrets of love that you can't share with spouses, significant others, kids or parents. That's the part that breaks my heart. I thought I had those types of friends--those cadre of terrific women I'll call on for conversation or to hang out, or just to touch base. I do have a couple of new friends where we're now developing our friendships. And I have some really old friends I've reconnected with, and we're slowly building back up what we had. But recently, I've been disappointed by a couple of those I thought were friends. You know, your girls you could hang with and be yourself with.

Granted, I don't think I'll ever be one of those women who other women think of first to help them. That may be my fault. I keep thinking maybe because I don't share my pain enough, other women may think I'm strong and I have it together. But I don't. I still need their friendships. I still need their strengths to carry me through the rough times. I still need their love. I don't think anyone will ask me to be a godmother. And that's ok. I can deal with that. I don't think I'll be that woman that other women feel they have to tell everything or that they have to surprise me with a gathering or anything like that. I can accept that I may never be that type of woman. I am close to 40 after all and the only surprise party I've ever had was when my little sister Terry Ann threw one for me on my 18th. I don't think I ever told her how much it meant to me. I'm definitely not the first woman people call to a group setting. Reminds me of the times when I was sometimes the last one to be picked for rounders. At other times I was captain, and other times, I was first one picked. It varied. But that feeling of being the last one picked. LOL, no fun.

Besides these, though, I did think I would be the type of woman that those who I think I'm close to, will at least check in now and again. See how I'm doing. How I'm holding up. How life's treating me. I've had so much going on that I would love to share. And then, they keep me abreast of their goings on. I love hearing about other people's lives. I love their stories, especially my single female friends. In my mind, I don't pass judgement, and I don't think I say anything. As I said, I allow people to come at me with the level of friendship they want.

I remember there was this one woman I met and we became good good friends--spending time at each other's homes, spouses and all. We even attended a wedding together. But then, it got a little crazy. I think she began to obsess, and we had to cut it unfortunately. I haven't forgotten her. Just wish her the best. She did tell me this: "Never Make Someone a Priority In Your Life, If You're Only An Option In Theirs." Poignant. Interesting.

I've always been trying to find that "perfect" female friend, the one who is truly a friend--a true friend. I must be doing something wrong because I'm reading people I think are friends but who may not be. And more often than not, many of them have let me down. I always tell my hubby there are certain women we interact with that I truly love, and that I admire. But it seems like the feeling isn't mutual. They don't seem to want me around that long, even when I think the conversation's going well. Don't talk about their husbands. All the wives talk to my husband in long conversations. And it's cool to me. But I could hardly engage their spouses except for a hey, what's up. One or two of them, maybe, might talk for five or 10 minutes. I don't get it. That's so confusing to me. I don't bite. All I'm seeking is connections and friendships.

Maybe I seek too much from friendships. And maybe I'm seeking things they don't really want Sometimes I wonder. I've even prayed many times for the Lord to send me good friends--those who he wants in my life. I realize their value. I wish they could see mine. Maybe I seem needy? Critical? Overly Judgemental? Harsh? Boring maybe? Stale? Awkward? Bad Conversationalist?  I'm at a loss because these are the very characteristics I try not to display. Yet I do know some women who display these personalities, and they have true friends. Maybe it's enough to just have the "friends" on FaceBook without having that interpersonal connection. So, then, why is there a big hole in my heart from what seems to be the loss of a very good friend. Maybe, this is God's answer to me. And I am confused. I wish I knew the answer I seek.