The Countdown is On

Whew, the countdown is on. It's less than a month before the big 40. Whew. What's changed? I've finally colored my hair (gotta hide these grays), I got my nails done, and I'm working out to lose some extra pounds. Man, they come on like I don't know. And they're slooooowwww to leave. Geez.

But my outlook's great. I'm loving life, and enjoying all God has offered. Life is good.

On June 11, I'll be having a cocktail party--nothing too fancy--just some friends to help me celebrate the next decade of my life. I'm excited. This is a month of celebration too. My daughter, Taleyah, turns 7 on June 4, and my son, Nicholas, will be graduating from Gonzaga College High School, on June 5. After that, we'll throw a barbeque/cake and ice cream party for them at our home. I want to keep it simple, not have too many people and just let the kids enjoy their time.

On Friendships

This is a hard post for me to do as my heart is heavy as I write. I've come to this conclusion that I'm may not be a good friend. I always thought I was. It took me almost 40 years to realize maybe I am not. These are the characteristics I thought made you a good friend--being compassionate; being available when needed; non-judgemental; fun; friendly; making time to check in on friends; being able to hang out on a moment's notice; allowing them to give the friendship on their terms, and just being there; I thought these are the characteristics that would give the friends you need. Now, granted, I have lots of guys I consider good friends. No one can beat the notion of a terrific guy friend who's only interested in you on a platonic level. God bless them. You could call him and talk for hours, and it ain't a thing. That's my buddy. I have those.

But there's nothing like a girl friend--one who you can be yourself with, lose yourself with, and just be able to share secrets of love that you can't share with spouses, significant others, kids or parents. That's the part that breaks my heart. I thought I had those types of friends--those cadre of terrific women I'll call on for conversation or to hang out, or just to touch base. I do have a couple of new friends where we're now developing our friendships. And I have some really old friends I've reconnected with, and we're slowly building back up what we had. But recently, I've been disappointed by a couple of those I thought were friends. You know, your girls you could hang with and be yourself with.

Granted, I don't think I'll ever be one of those women who other women think of first to help them. That may be my fault. I keep thinking maybe because I don't share my pain enough, other women may think I'm strong and I have it together. But I don't. I still need their friendships. I still need their strengths to carry me through the rough times. I still need their love. I don't think anyone will ask me to be a godmother. And that's ok. I can deal with that. I don't think I'll be that woman that other women feel they have to tell everything or that they have to surprise me with a gathering or anything like that. I can accept that I may never be that type of woman. I am close to 40 after all and the only surprise party I've ever had was when my little sister Terry Ann threw one for me on my 18th. I don't think I ever told her how much it meant to me. I'm definitely not the first woman people call to a group setting. Reminds me of the times when I was sometimes the last one to be picked for rounders. At other times I was captain, and other times, I was first one picked. It varied. But that feeling of being the last one picked. LOL, no fun.

Besides these, though, I did think I would be the type of woman that those who I think I'm close to, will at least check in now and again. See how I'm doing. How I'm holding up. How life's treating me. I've had so much going on that I would love to share. And then, they keep me abreast of their goings on. I love hearing about other people's lives. I love their stories, especially my single female friends. In my mind, I don't pass judgement, and I don't think I say anything. As I said, I allow people to come at me with the level of friendship they want.

I remember there was this one woman I met and we became good good friends--spending time at each other's homes, spouses and all. We even attended a wedding together. But then, it got a little crazy. I think she began to obsess, and we had to cut it unfortunately. I haven't forgotten her. Just wish her the best. She did tell me this: "Never Make Someone a Priority In Your Life, If You're Only An Option In Theirs." Poignant. Interesting.

I've always been trying to find that "perfect" female friend, the one who is truly a friend--a true friend. I must be doing something wrong because I'm reading people I think are friends but who may not be. And more often than not, many of them have let me down. I always tell my hubby there are certain women we interact with that I truly love, and that I admire. But it seems like the feeling isn't mutual. They don't seem to want me around that long, even when I think the conversation's going well. Don't talk about their husbands. All the wives talk to my husband in long conversations. And it's cool to me. But I could hardly engage their spouses except for a hey, what's up. One or two of them, maybe, might talk for five or 10 minutes. I don't get it. That's so confusing to me. I don't bite. All I'm seeking is connections and friendships.

Maybe I seek too much from friendships. And maybe I'm seeking things they don't really want Sometimes I wonder. I've even prayed many times for the Lord to send me good friends--those who he wants in my life. I realize their value. I wish they could see mine. Maybe I seem needy? Critical? Overly Judgemental? Harsh? Boring maybe? Stale? Awkward? Bad Conversationalist?  I'm at a loss because these are the very characteristics I try not to display. Yet I do know some women who display these personalities, and they have true friends. Maybe it's enough to just have the "friends" on FaceBook without having that interpersonal connection. So, then, why is there a big hole in my heart from what seems to be the loss of a very good friend. Maybe, this is God's answer to me. And I am confused. I wish I knew the answer I seek.

On the Capture of Bin Laden

What more can I add to a story that has been covered from every single angle. After a decade, the US has been able to capture and kill public enemy number one, Al-Qaeda operative Osama Bin Laden, the mastermind behind Sept. 11, 2001.

Although I'm happy for President Obama who has done what no other could, I'm also apprehensive and afraid of the retaliation the death could bring. Granted, we were responding to his attacks but still, it's very nerve racking to be in the front seat of history for this. I congratulate President Barack Obama for having the courage to give the go-ahead to the Navy Seals and for his courageous leadership. Now, we wait to see what it means as the Republicans try to recreate the narrative. I've heard that the current administration was only carrying on what they did. (Yeah, after Bush said in an interview he wasn't interested in Osama.) That it was just the soldiers who did it. (Right, every soldier needs a leader, and they follow orders.) And that the President's 2012 reelection is not a forgone conclusion. (I couled hardly wait until 2012 for his reelection. 2016, Repubs, consider it then.)

It's an interesting day in our history, May 1, 2011, which will forever go down as the day Osama Bin Laden was taken down by the United States. It's the same anniversary day as when President Bush said mission accomplished in Iraq.

On the Royal Wedding

Sigh. I'm not ashamed, I watched the royal wedding between Prince William and Catherine Middleton this morning. I actually woke up my six-year-old Taleyah to come with. :-)  I remember watching Prince Charles and Lady Diana get married back in 1981 with my mom. I was home from school I think. But this morning, we had a small window of opportunity to watch it as we were getting ready for work and school. Very romantic and magical. My youngest, Dakota, was also entranced. She watched it after she got up. When she saw the dress, she's like, "the princess, the princess," pointing at the tv. How did she know all this? And Taleyah was watching intently. Mouth open.

In retrospect, this is what most little girls dream of--to be like a princess on her wedding day. Or to just be a princess, like Tiana from Princess and the Frog. The last time I was talking to Taleyah about getting married, I took a decidely modern approach. I didn't tell her, after they were married, they lived happily ever after, like most of us heard. Such a myth. When I was younger, I always said that was a misconception. I just told her, after they got married, they continued to live and to work through the rest of their lives as happily as they could together. It's not always going to be happy. There are challenges to live through. You have to decide which challenges are worth it and which aren't. But you have to make sure you're equally yoked to the one you're with, and everyone has to be on the same page. Happily ever after gives the impression that nothing ever goes wrong, and you smile through it all the time.

But that's the reality of our lives--its challenges, its joys, its sadness, its ups and downs. I was happy to see William find the love he was looking for, especially with all that he and Harry have been through--especially with the loss of their mother.

In terms of the wedding, I liked the top bodice of Kate's dress by Sarah Burton. I thought the bottom seemed a little plain. She could have put some of the lacing below, but all in all she was beautiful and well put together. I liked her maid of honor's dress. The kiss was a disappointment--way too short. For some reason, it looked like she was pulling away for the second kiss. In comparing theirs to his parents, I think I read where about half an hour before they got married, Prince Charles told Lady Di he didn't love her. That was devastating. What was she to do. She loved him; plus she was 19, a young bride. In kissing him, her neck was over-extended for the kiss. Prince William's was a little too. But in looking at their body, both their belly buttons seem to be outward, more focused on the people not so much facing each other. I wonder what Janine Driver would say. She's the body language expert who says to look at people's belly buttons to see where their interests and hearts are.

On Death

One of my good friends, Larry Dillard, just died this week. He was only 59. I met Larry when I was a 2002-2003 APSA fellow in Rep. Robert C. Bobby Scott's office, and Larry was the scheduler and press secretary. I credit Larry as the first person who had me thinking that government public relations wasn't the "dark side," as we're led to believe in journalism. I had left the Afro when I met Larry and he gave me a lot of opporunities.

Generally, for Mr. Scott, I wrote speeches, and did research on the legislative topics he did such as the budget and the judiciary. My largest project was working on the Iraq war, showing it was the wrong war at the wrong time. But Larry showed me how to write the press release, and he allowed me to craft quite a few. He had me tag along to a couple of press events with him. He was the quintessential spokesman. This weekend, I'm heading to Newport News, Va., to say good bye to an old friend. My fellow Gemini. I'm riding with some other buddies. I think it's easier to share the time with others.

Just this past March would be the last time I would see him. I had a monthly dermatologist appointment, and after I left, I headed to CVS. Who should I see but Larry hanging out by the prescription counter. We sat on the chairs and talked old times for a little under an hour. It's like we had nothing else to do. We were both relaxed and chilled and just talked old times, what's next, retirement, my son heading to college, and everything in between. That brother was full of info, life, and everything else. Since I left Scott's office, whenever Larry saw me, he would stop, say, hey, how's your husband? How're the kids? That's Larry. Thanks, Larry. God's speed and blessings on you. A true friend.

That's the hardest part of getting older. As I continue on the journey, more and more people I know seem to die along the way.

On Aging

I find that as I get older, certain things that irked me, no longer get under my skin. I can't think of an exact example at this moment but I will soon. That's another thing, I find I'm getting forgetful. Sigh. That's one thing with aging, the body betrays you. Is that a knee pain for the umpteenth time? Man. And why is my hair thinning out? You think your body will stand the test of time, but like a car that gets old, the body needs maintenance and updating. My poor little 2003 Rav 4 is having a hard time at it.

And why at 39, do I have fine gray hairs sticking out. Geez. I didn't think that was possible. Time to whip out some dye. Blonde anyone? The ironic thing is, as I get more comfortable in my skin, it's getting older, and is holding up less and less. I'm only going to be 40. I wonder how older women in their 60s to 80s make out?

On Family

Yesterday, my inlaws came to spend some time with us. My nephew was promoted in the Army and his parents, uncle, sister, nieces and friends visited our house for the afternoon. It was pleasant to spend the time with family I don't get to see often. But I also got a chance to cook some curried chicken, channa and potato, and some rice. It was topped off with my mom's hot sauce--to die for hot. And we shared some chocolate cake my brother and sister-in-law brought over.

Got me thinking of the blessing that is family. I also marvel at this interesting dynamic of where I fit in on the family continuum. In my married family, I'm one of the "older" adults because of my position with my hubby. He's the youngest of the four siblings, and even though I'm now going to be 40, my hanging peers are my brothers- and sister-in-law who are all well closer to 60 and 70. They are so engaging with the stories and the banter back and forth. Antonio's niece is over 40 and is already a grandmother, and his nephew is a couple of months younger than I am. But because I'm Uncle T's wife, I'm still Aunt Michelle. I marvel at this dynamic especially when it comes to the family I was born into, which is much bigger than my married family.

My mom is one of 10 to a mother who still is one of eight. So, I'm one of the older grandchildren with children. I'm about to have an 18-year-old who's heading to college. So my cousins will be my peers even though I'll hang heavy with my mom's siblings who were much younger when I came about in 1971.

The interesting thing about family is these roles we get to play, and at times the dual and triple roles we may have to play when in different situations. For instance, when I was growing up, when it came to my mother's family, my sister and I were the oldest of the cousins as my mom was the oldest. With my father's family, we were the youngest as he was the youngest of his four brothers. And we got to play these roles as older, wiser caregiver when I babysat my two-year-old cousins when I was 14. Or we get to whine, we want gum, when we were with the older cousins on my dad's side. They were the caregivers.

I can sit back and reflect on these minor roles I've had to play. I'm not sure which I preferred--the opportunity to be the bossy older cousin or the whiny younger one. Each has prepared me for the more flexible and grown up roles I've had to adopt as an adult as wife, mother, reporter, writer, friend, volunteer, public relations specialist, editor, freelancer or just plain Michelle B. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl inside doing all this role playing, although the rest of the world sees me and says I'm a grown a.... woman.