Life at 40 plus 7

I did not think for a while that I will ever get back to the blog I started to celebrate the dynamic 40s.

So many changes since my last entry in 2014.

On Life changes

• My dear old father, Neville Phipps, passed away in October 2014. I've mentioned it in a post in my Vickey's Kitchen blog. 
• My grandmother Adelaide Cupid, passed away July 16, 2018. She was a dynamo.
• My girls are now in high school and middle school. 
• My son is on the way up the aisle this fall
• I am in the last year of my 40s and I am still always learning new things.

On Sowing What You Reap

For followers of my blog, if you remember this post, On Dealing with Sudden Life Changes, many of you will know that I had been relieved of a position that offered me significant autonomy, income, prestige, credibility and more within the DC government structure. It was something I enjoyed as it also allowed me to serve the residents of the District of Columbia in a way I thought to be full of integrity and transparency.

It wasn't the direction the last director wanted to go. Well, it seemed for him, his direction wasn't the way the mayor wanted to go either. He was dismissed and relieved of his duties November 2013 for making a decision that didn't seem to be in the best interest of the city. He also seemed to have bitten off more than he should have, especially since President Obama's signature law, came into question. Without delving too much into it, the director put out a statement on a Thursday. By Friday, he had walking papers. The Friday after that, his communications adviser was also dismissed.

The lesson I take from this--more than anything else--is there is no permanence in any situation. You can be the king of the world today. And tomorrow, you're the joker of the court. That's why I take pity on some people in other parts of the District government who completely believe their own hype, that they'll never be taken down.

The DC government is a fickle animal. Today's king is tomorrow's joke. If you believe you're a director's pet and get the perks, enjoy it for now. Tomorrow, that director's out and the new one sees you as a threat not a pet. It's so temporary. And people take it dead serious. It's a job, yes, A career for many of us, yes. But I will always believe in this--"In government, there are no permanent enemies and no permanent friends." I have always lived by this. I've been in government since 2004 and I've seen it firsthand.

The former director learned a difficult lesson as well. He probably would have liked an opportunity to explain his position further, to be given a second chance, to have a chance at a do-over. However, he had done the exact same thing by letting go several people who would liked to have been given the same opportunities to explain themselves, and to hold onto their careers. Being let go sets back your money-making goals, your career, your ego. This economy is not the best and to be put on the unemployment line is no joke. However, as you sow, ye shall reap.

On New Experiences

Today became a highpoint for me as I had an opportunity to chair and lead this month's Hillcrest Community Civic Association (HCCA)'s board meeting and general monthly meeting.

To understand the honor, one has to understand the power of the HCCA. This is the organization that has the power to make or break a political career. It certainly made Anthony Williams' win for mayor a possibility back in the early 2000s. Several members of the HCCA drafted Williams, then-Chief Financial Officer to become mayor. They rallied, fundraised and stood in his corner when he seemed like a longshot.

The organization will celebrate its 25th anniversary this September and for this month, I sat in the seat of the likes of former presidents, Paul Savage, Vince Spaulding, Franklin Senger, and more. The honor was mine. The current president, Karen Williams, was away so I sat in as the First Vice President. I was told that my demeanor was calm, and I was in command of the proceedings. It has been a long time since I've chaired or led anything. I've been on a hiatus relearning the essence of becoming a leader once more.

It was never lost on me. I have the temperament of a born leader. But I've also been a resistant one--some people are just difficult to lead--and at times I want to be comfortable following along. However I think God chooses leaders and He empowers each to make the best decisions. Today's experience was empowering for me. It was a fantastic way to mark the start of 2014--a year of prosperity and change. I know that I'll see significant and fantastic changes this year and I'll embrace each with humility, understanding and generosity.

Interestingly, our current Mayor Vincent Gray attended the meeting. He's also a longtime Hillcrest resident, and a quite affable and personable person. And Ward 4 Councilmember Muriel Bowser who'll be running against him at this year's primary election on April 1 also attended. Interesting dynamic from where I sat.

On Moving Forward

One foot in front the next. One foot in front the next. That's how you have to keep it moving. Take a deep breath and keep your feet moving, one in front the next.

I write this post on the 12th anniversary of one of the most somber moments in this country--Sept. 11. I remember the madness of the day because I covered it for the Washington Afro. It was a day where Antonio's and my only thought was to be reunited, despite the gridlocked traffic. On that day, many of us felt discouraged and unable to make sense of it. Yet, here we are, 12 years later. The attacks led to certain actions and changes in the world that may have led to the election of this country's first African-American president.

Today, I was talking to one of my very young colleagues, whose friend was supposed to have been on the Pentagon flight. He was a student at Leckie Elementary (or Backus) and his mom was called to get him in, and she missed the call. When she returned the call, she was told that his slot was already taken. Note I wrote this in passive voice because I don't have first-hand knowledge but this colleague is a great source. But it's incidents like these that remind me that when things do not happen as I want them to, sometimes they weren't meant to be. Imagine if that child had gotten to go on that trip on that fateful day, Sept. 11. Imagine if his mother joined them? Devastating.

That's why my new attitude is "I'll do what I can do, Lord, the rest is up to you."

I refuse to keep fighting for what isn't for me.

As Another Big Day Rolls Around

Today, June 16, is the start of 40 plus 2. Or as someone told me yesterday, I turned 25 for the umpteenth time. I'm not really sure what to make of 42. It's not such a big special birthday to me as 40, 45 or 50. But it has its own special place that means I've made it through another year. That my life continues and that I'm able to continue making changes. Influencing others. And having those moments that take my breath away.

Last week at a kid's birthday party, some of us parents were musing on when we should stop birthday parties for kids. One mom said point blank, I love birthdays. I'm not stopping the celebration. Loved her attitude. So positive. So much possibility. So much money.

What I do love about having my birthday on June 16 is that I get to share it with the late Tupac Shakur, the superstar rapper-actor who was killed when he was in his 20s; and talk show host Joe Madison, the Black Eagle. And I get to share it with some other friends from Facebook. It's not mine alone but I do get to share. And that's what it's about. Having the ability to share and to give of your time and your efforts or your finances. What is the point of accumulating all this knowledge, grace or forgiveness and not sharing it with others. Earlier this week, I spoke to my priest, Father Jim and he said too many people are poor. They're poor in spirit. They are where they are but by the grace of God and we need to recognize that. Turn a blind eye to judging others. And open up to help feed the soul of others. I do want to come down on the right side of humanity, and give as I can give, and then some if I can.

So to my other June 16 birthday sharers, here's looking at you, kid. Have a great one.

On Dealing With Anniversaries

My daughters are among

the reasons I have to keep

 moving forward.

I'm really going to have to do better about posting on this blog. Just noticed it's actually May 15 now not May 14, the anniversary of my leaving the government agency.

 

I feel stronger and more in touch with myself, my writing. However, it still tinges a little that I'm not part of that team. Every now and then I find myself reminiscing and kicking myself for mistakes that were made. Not sure this will actually do anything.

 

Well, here I am. I am woman. Hear me roar. Still writing. still standing. I've added the certificate of field technician to my DCTV television producer certificate earlier this month. Now's the time to return to that dream and goal of working in electronic media. The media landscape has changed since I earned my master's in 2000. Now, we're doing video on the Washington Informer and on Asian Fortune. More important, I can start something on YouTube. I want to explore them all. 

 

Lots of opportunities, many possibilities. But I feel stuck. Stuck on Stupid again. Not sure if I'm moving forward or if I'm moving back. The uncertainty is scary; but I have to keep it moving. 

 

Peace. One Love.

On Dealing With Sudden LIfe Changes

Ah, it has taken me a while to get to this. And even now, I don't think I'll be able to finish tonight because it's already 11:30 and I have to go to bed.

But a few days after my last blog on Muck Rack, I was hit with a very sudden life change. Lots of people say you shouldn't be concerned with externals but focus on your reaction to the externals. Well, lot harder to do than to say. On about May 14, 2012, I was called into the DISB commissioner's office and told, at around 3:15 or so, that it would be my last day. I would be put on administrative leave for 14 days and then that's it.

Interestingly, May 14 was the day after Mother's Day, when my daughter made her first communion, and Antonio and I had spent the afternoon with friends--really enjoying what life offered. We were enjoying dinner in our new kitchen and just being.....

Because my position with the government was Management Supervisory Service or MSS, and you're not in the union, there aren't as many protections in place as for union staff. Mind you, we're the ones with the higher degrees in some instances. Many folks said MSS meant we had more perks etc. However, I'm here to say that for the last four years, our perks were being eroded. I hadn't gotten a raise since 2008 when I first got my salary; we lost the subsidized parking under the building; there wasn't as much time to take advantage of many educational opportunities; and for some of the time, you're ensuring you don't cross the unions. Maybe it has changed but quite a few MSS folks said to me that it's not worth it anymore. On top of that, your employees could easily make more than you--if they have time in service--or not much less than you make. Now, on top of that, you don't get the protections union staff receive. It can cause burnout and disillusion for MSS staff, especially those who go after education in the belief you'll be protected. However DC government doesn't seem to offer that. Fortunately, it had begun to work out those kinks.

Well, getting back to my original paragraph, I was actually called out from a staff meeting with my then-team to meet with the commish. I felt like dead man walking--and I said as much to the staffer who was taking me to the office where I was greeted with HR, an attorney and other witnesses. Needless to say, it was a scene that should only be in a nightmare. I don't think I remember a thing I said. All I know is that I was told the agency was going a "different direction." I'm still not sure what that meant. I suppose in other words, I don't like you much; I have to find someone else I prefer.

I think the saddest part of it is that after a person, any person, spends so many years with the government or any other organization--when your tenure comes to an end--you can have your entire life put in a box. I think in my case, I must have had at least six boxes. I have watched several persons from that agency marched out by HR or police and I have never liked the practice. I think it's insulting, hurtful and for the most part creates a chilling effect for the bystanders and others left behind. It also puts a damper on their subsequent reaching out to the staffer.

In a recent interview with Councilmember Michael Brown, I did bring it up, and he said it's for the protection of the employee and the employer. One never knows how people react in certain circumstances. (After my May situation, I believe in other parts of the country, a couple of people reacted poorly by going after bosses and shooting them. That's just giving them way too much power in my view. Don't have time to waste and I have too much to lose.)

So, here I am Nov. 2, 2012, on my husband's birthday. I mark his special day as a day I think I'm open enough to write about this. This road was not easy. Change is difficult, especially when you are older. I had a terrific job--a job I loved doing. I was well compensated and I believe I had earned the salary after working for as long as I did and for the skill sets I brought to the table. One person made a decision that altered my wealth building process and the legacy building I'm doing for my children. There could have been alternative moves. There were differences in opinions yes, maybe even philosophies. But I'm not sure it was worth eliminating someone who really liked the work and more important, providing valuable work. And could have provided valuable work in other areas too; but as MSS, bosses don't have to do that for you. You can just leave and that's that.

But it's out of my hands. My control comes from what I do next. My control comes from my attitude. My control comes from the smile on my face and the big old grin when I realize where I am and what I'm doing now. My control comes from the strength God has given to me.

I'm now a freelance reporter for the Washington Informer, www.washingtoninformer.com, the Washington Afro, www.Afro.com, Asian Fortune, www.asianfortune.com and I continue to freelance for Capital Community News, www.capitalcommunitynews.com. Also, I've revamped by company, Invisible Colours LLC, to take it onto a wealth building path. My mom said one of her brothers said this may be a God-given opportunity for me to take the company--an editorial staffing and public relations firm--to build it into something magnificent. This is my uncle who had built up a simple office furniture company into an empire in Trinidad and Tobago. His word, I will hang onto it.

I'll stop here for now. I must continue later. It's really late and I'm crashing. But I did find some valuable things to do that helped me through the immediate moments after my job loss to now--the next few months later. Beyond one job, I haven't tried to jump right back into government. I wanted to reevaluate and see where my heart was, and find something I really enjoyed but which will allow me to live a lifestyle that shows progress--and the American Dream for an immigrant. I was heavily disappointed by some people I thought were in my corner and pleasantly surprised by others. One of my girlfriends said, it's times like these you see who the true friends are; and you lose some along the way. True.

But briefly couple of good things I did

• Stayed For Seven Years at The Government Job --this helped somewhat with severance payments. However, recent legislation by the Council cut the severance payments from 26 weeks to 10 weeks, regardless of your length of tenure. I heard from one Council staffer that the law wasn't in effect until October. However, the last of my severance was late August. But  it shows how the law affects you even when you're not paying attention. The law was created to prevent people in the Gray administration from taking advantage of the payments. I'm not sure the Councilmember who did the law thought about people working the government for years will be affected as well. So, whether you work 5 years or 20 years, if you're MSS, you balance off at 10 weeks of severance. This is a story worth doing.
• Took advantage of the government's deferred compensation, 529, and 401 (B) plans. These are my just-in-case I need to open up finances. So far, so good.
• Brought a Whole Life Insurance Policy when I was 25. Smartest thing I had ever done
• Got a Master's Degree. Lots of folks may say, it didn't help because you still lost your job. I'll say, yes, but it helped me with getting back on my feet. It offered options. It kept my dignity in tact. I buss my butt at Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism. The writing was so different from anything I had learned. But that school was excellent.
• I had put some good work in at the agency from 2005 when I first started where we had built an infrastructure under Lily Qi, and I continued it and created other sustainable programming and communications tools such as the newsletter, the press machine and of course the Facebook and Twitter. Some people don't realize the agency started in 2004, and Lily had to really build it from the ground. I took it to the next level and whomever has the reins will carry it forth. But I think the foundation has been set.
• Not losing connections with old bosses and colleagues. Because of Lily, I am now writing for Asian Fortune. Because of my connection with Denise Rolark Barnes and Ron Burke, I'm a reporter at the Washington Informer. My former connections with Edgar Brookins with the Washington Afro got me in touch with the new editor there. I have other connections I haven't explored yet. But as I said, I want to take my time and get into something that I'm passionate about.
• Kept my faith in God intact. I never stopped believing He had my back. I still believe He does. Even though at times, I feel things aren't moving as quickly, and many times I get into the "why me" mode; but I know the commissioner did me a favor. I wish the Lord's blessings on him and the agency. Even now, God's still whispering in my ear, don't worry, I got you. You'll be fine. So, I stay in faith.

On Social Media

I love social media. I love its possibilities and I love how it can effect change from within the ranks of so-called "little people." These are those everyday people without traditional influences of money, power and prestige. Social media has become the great equalizer. To that there are pros and cons, especially when people use this soap box to spread wrong information, which is what happened to our agency recently.

Below, I've contributed to The Muck Rack Blog, a blog for journalists, which published some work I did for the agency I work for. It described how I used Twitter to defuse what could have ignited a public relations bomb based on someone spreading wrong info. Read it here: Using Twitter to Diffuse a PR Bomb

On My Published Pieces

Some one who was interested in hiring me to write asked for a couple clips. Unfortunately, I hadn't taken the time in the past to place my clips in one site. Fortunately, much of my writing can be found easily with a google or a dogpile search of "Michelle Phipps-Evans" and "DC." In addition to this blog and other work, I am the full-time Public Information Officer at the Department of Insurance, Securities and Banking, http://www.disb.dc.gov/ and I have had involvement in press releases and other published pieces on the website. I prefer not to add my work there to this blog. 

So below are a couple links I thought may interest:

Articles I report on, and write about
A profile on the District of Columbia's Mayor Vincent C. Gray after he won the Democratic nomination
http://www.hillrag.com/CCN_Website09/images/papers/DCN/Nov/1110/pdf/30-32_MCDC_1110-web.pdf

Article on the 20th anniversary celebration of the Hillcrest Community Civic Association in Ward 7
http://www.capitalcommunitynews.com/CCN_Website09/publicationhtml/papers/EOR/1009/HillCrestCCA.html

A profile on DC artist BK Adams
http://www.hillrag.com/CCN_Website09/images/papers/EOR/Sep/0911/pdfs/38-39_EOR_0911.pdf

A profile on an 11-year-old speed skater
http://www.hillrag.com/CCN_Website09/images/papers/EOR/Jul/0711/pdfs/42-44_EOR_0711.pdf

The Hillcrest Garden Tour
http://www.hillrag.com/CCN_Website09/images/papers/EOR/Jul/0711/pdfs/24-25_EOR_0711.pdf

Mother's Summer Time Tea for mothers who lost children to gun violence
http://www.hillrag.com/CCN_Website09/publicationhtml/papers/EOR/1009/MothersSummertimeTea.html

Articles where I am quoted:
A story on the charm of the Hillcrest community
http://www.themattisongroup.com/Hillcrest-n43358.html

A work-related piece on foreclosures in the District
http://www.bizjournals.com/washington/blog/2011/04/dc-to-allow-residential-foreclosures.html?page=all

A work-related blog on the coverage of contraceptives
http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/11/20/d-c-department-of-insurance-birth-control-is-safe/

Press Releases for my editorial consulting firm, Invisible Colours LLC
http://englishtolatintranslation.org/even/class458693exoti/bring468784
http://translationenglishtospanish.net/foll/requi516871puter/tices470788

Newsletters
http://www.hillcrestdc.com/newsltr.pdf
http://www.hillcrestdc.com/nl_0111.pdf
http://www.hillcrestdc.com/nl_0909.pdf

Multimedia Project
In 2010, I was commissed by the Hillcrest Community Civic Association (HCCA), through the Washington East Foundation, which applied for and received a DC Community Heritage Project grant, to use oral history to explore the core elements that make for a strong D.C. neighborhood. I was tasked as a journalism scholar to interview several longtime Hillcrest residents who have been involved in, or were involved in, the work of the HCCA. Below are the findings and accompanying reports.http://www.wdchumanities.org/dcdm/items/show/1518
http://www.hillcrestdc.com/docs/oralhistory.pdf
http://www.wdchumanities.org/dcdm/items/browse?search=michelle+phipps-evans
http://www.hillcrestdc.com/nl_1110.pdf
http://www.hillcrestdc.com/nl_1210.pdf

On Blogging

I really cannot believe it's the middle of December, and my last entry was in September as we were beginning the kitchen project. We're still working through the kitchen project. It is not done yet but it was so worth the wait.

Here is a photograph of the kitchen as it is now. We're very excited about it.

I think one of the reasons I don't blog as much--besides not having enough time--is I don't get that much interaction with people who read the blog. I would love to get some comments to make sure that what I'm writing about resonates with people. Yes, I have been told about a particular blog entry but I want to see it in writing. I have been writing for a long time now; and although I tend to rely on my internal approval ratings, getting some type of feedback will be helpful. So, for all of you who read my blog, please put a note--good, bad or indifferent. Blogging is social media. It's supposed to be interactive. Without interaction, all I have is a website.

One of my new acquaintances is trying to break into the world of writing. I think it's great, and she should go for it, regardless of how discouraging it may seem. Before I first got into the business of writing in 1996, I used to send out script after script, article pitches, poetry pieces and job solicitations. It was rejection after rejection. But you have to believe in yourself. Believe what you have to offer is unique, and believe it is for you. It pays off in the end. I had made a pretty decent living as a reporter, editor, writer, freelance reporter and now, supervisory public affairs specialist. It is worth it.

On Dealing With Insufficient Time

I can't believe my last entry was in August and we're at the end of September almost. Like most of my peers, I'm still working through the time issues--especially with having a full time job, a hubby, kids, side job, volunteer projects, the home, the cooking, the cleaning. Note that i put cleaning last. Always my sacrificial lamb. It's just not enough hours in the day. And sometimes on some days, you just want to do nothing. I love the "I don't want to do anything song." I wish I had some words of wisdom for others, but I know I'm over-extended; and it's like an addiction. I'm addicted to being busy, to having something to do, What is it in my DNA that makes it impossible for me to just not do. Unless I'm sick or completely drained, I keep going. Take right now, why is it I'm up cooking stewed chicken? Actually, my oldest came back for a visit from college and I'm sending him with some down home Trini food in addition to Costco supplies. Plus we have to clear out the kitchen as we have a major overhaul of the kitchen in our 1937 colonial. That's something to look forward to but I'm putting some additional items away. We're almost there. And I'm taking in "Jesse's Girl" on pandora, best invention. I tend to be a big believer in if you don't use your talents, you lose it. Therefore, I sign up for activities where I can hone my writing, editorial or public relations skills. So, there is a reason behind it. But I have to say, taking a mommy minute is underrated. You do need a minute from your reality. Do whatever pleases you for half a day or an hour or a full day. My getaways include full aromatherapy massages. Recently, since I can't get away for an hour, I do a chair massaage 1 buck a minute. But I'm so charged. So alive. Helps to retool my brain cells.

At 40, You Stick With Your First Love

As I mention in my bio, I'm always going to be a journalist. It was what I wanted to do when I first met Dominic Kalipersad, a Trinidadian anchorman, who came to visit my elementary school, Arima Girls RC, sometime in the early 1980s or so. I remember being very impressed by him, and wanting to be him.

So, pretty much, all the subjects I chose in high school for the fourth and fifth forms were related to my future journalism career. At 15, I even told the counsellor that's what I was going to do and he said, good subject choices--especially typing, Spanish and of course, History. Unfortunately, my high school, North Eastern College, didn't really have a working magazine or newspaper that I could cut my teeth on. However, I remember being part of a group that was trying to start one. I do remember the naysayers in my high school who said I won't be journalist, that I'll just work for the BOMB, Trinidad's version of National Enquirer. No credibility. Good thing I didn't look back.

At the University of the West Indies, too, I got heavily involved in any publishing and printing I could volunteer for. We didn't have weekly or monthly newspapers but we did get involved in newsletters and zines, etc. It was a good learning experience.

My first gig in journalism was with Black Diaspora Magazine in NY. I stayed there about five years, during which I earned my master's in journalism from Columbia University in 2000. At Black Diaspora, I started as an associate editor, moved to managing editor then executive editor within five years. Talk about fast. But it was a solid experience as I didn't only have to write stories, but I directed the flow of stories through the magazine each month; I managed the freelance writers and photographers; I worked with the art direcotr in closing each issue per month; worked on covers; themes; photos. It was a fruit to nuts operation. And the publisher, Mr. John-Sandy always told me I was ahead of the curve with my sponge-like mind; and that not many people could work through an entire publication from start to finish. I took it as a compliment. One of the best parts of working BD was the press junkets off to Hollywood to meet Blair Underwood, Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Ice Cube and of course, Quentin Tarrantino, Sam Jackson (I got a story about that one), and more. I enjoyed the travel writing in countries like Aruba, St. Martin/Maarten, Tobago, Jamaica, St. Lucia. But I wanted more. I started out the same time with my girl Deborah Gregory, who was writing for Essence, I believe. We were all kind of starving artists, but now she's the author of Cheetah Girls, my daughter's all time fav. Big ups to my NY sister. You done good, girl. I also met P-Diddy when he was still Puffy. And my girl, Mariah Carey, who admitted her name is Mariah Nunez, in the most Latino sounding voice I've ever heard. She picked a couple of us journalists to come and eat some pasta that she cooked. My girl could hook it up.

It was a good place to cut my teeth, so to speak. It was a good way to spend my 20s; I got mad memories of it all, kind of tucked away though. Soon after that, I headed to Washington, D.C., to be a reporter with the Washington Afro American in June 2001. By December, I was the editor. Sigh. I was really enjoying the reporting in the community, pen in mouth, notebook in hand, prodding and probing, hitting my deadlines. Again, I was put back in a newsroom to do closing of issues. It was good that I made relationships with the folks at Channel 9 as I had to there every other Thursday to talk about that week's Afro. Big ups to Andrea Roane and Mike Buchanan. Of course, I met Bruce Johnson, Janet Terry, Ms. Drummond and a whole bunch others. I still feel a major part of your family, even though I'm in a whole other direction. But you're still the best in my eyes.

Wanting to be a serious political reporter, I accepted the American Political Science Association Fellowship (APSA) on the Hill. It gave Dick Cheney, Joan Claybrooke and a couple of others their starts. I worked in Rep. Robert C. "Bobby" Scott's office, where I met Larry Dillard who opened my eyes to the "dark side" of public relations, more specifically government public relations. I learned about the press release and media relations from him. Plus, I was able to combine how PR people treated me as a journalist, and was able to combine that with what I do, and then some.

Between then, and now, I've worked as a PR person for a Councilmember, a mayoral candidate; as an editor for a contractor that had a government contract; freelance editor and writer; and public relations and communications professional. And of course, I have my own business, Invisible Colours LLC.

Now, I'm a public information officer for a District of Columbia government agency and I'm able to take all those experiences and pile them into one. But I haven't given up writing. I still freelance for East of the River newspaper. The above link is my latest story.

Fierce, Fabulous and Forty

It's a funny thing about turning 40. It's as if there's some secret club or organization that women who turn 40 and who know your age, greet you a little differently. Just this morning, I got a greeting by another just-turned-40 woman, "welcome to the club." I've never been greeted like that as a 30-year-old. It's almost as if there's a premise, that you don't truly grow up until you're 40. Hmm, that's interesting. I always thought you never really knew yourself until you're 26. And self-discovery is the path to self-fulfillment, growth and of course, maturity. So, I guess, I truly wasn't matured until this past June 16 when I hit the big 4-0. Ha Ha. That's really funny, if it is so.

But so far, I've become more reflective. I've found myself to be discontented with certain areas in my life, and contemplating how to change some of them. I don't want to be stuck on stupid for not moving forward or back. But at the same time, you're always concerned about making changes, and their consequences, good or bad. I think it's good to think life through, with all its nuances and quirkiness. I'll take the good, bad and ugly and work through it all with God's guidance of course.

Today, was my daughter, Taleyah's first day of school. My big girl's in second grade. It was really great seeing the other parents. We were all there, walking our little munchkins to class. One mom told me, "I'll probably be doing this until he's in college." Dakota doesn't start Maury until this Thursday. DCPS wanted to ease the preschoolers in, a little at a time. So, that should be fun this Thursday as well.

This is the first time, too, that we didn't have to drop Nicholas off to school for the first day as he's already in college. Classes started since Aug. 18. I felt a little tinge there. My big boy's now a man.

A Woman of Fortytude

This week, Sarah Brokaw, a psychologist and daughter of journalist Tom Brokaw released a book called Fortytude, which delved into the women turning 40.

She examined how we're thinking we're 26 in our heads but our bodies and our clocks say otherwise. Women seem more valued in their 20s. By the 30s, you're getting married, raising the kids. But in the 40s, you get a chance to reinvent yourself. You begin to measure some of what you've done--feeling successful or lacking. By 40, we have to realize we may be mentors for the younger women who're navigating the complicated business world.

On some level, by society's standards, I have reached a measure of success. However, there are still areas where I feel like a failure. But according to Brokaw, give yourself a break. The Today Show has been doing several pieces on turning 40-and how Generation Xers are embracing it all the more than our mothers have. 40 isn't old as it used to be. 40-year-olds are running marathons, companies, kids, carpools--making the best choices for themselves.

I have some photos I need to put up from my 40th birthday. Laziness in my butt. But I'll get it done.

On The Day

This is it. Today's the day, June 16, I've been blogging about and waiting for. And it's a darkish, rainy-looking day  outside. God has blessed me with his rain. I feel completely blessed by the love enveloped around me. Not just by my family--my hubby, Antonio, and our three kids, but also by my friends on Facebook, and my extended family. That's a great thing about Facebook. Your friends have this ability to really make you feel loved and special. And they're all special for it.

Today, I feel good. I'm very happy to be part of the new 40s club. I'm excited about the possibilities. I'm happy about Vickey's Kitchen, as it's a launch to a new phase in my life. I'm not leaving my day job just yet but I'm embarking on a new journey that celebrates my "Trinidadianness." One of my buds already want to buy the hot sauce. Five bucks a bottle you all.

I had to work today as I was off for the last two weeks. Each year, I keep saying I need to take off the day as my focus isn't as it should be. I want to go see Jumping the Broom, but I'll do what I have to because I really like the job and my colleagues.

So, here's to the day. Thank you, friends for following my journey. It doesn't stop here. I want to continue exploring this 40-year-old self.

On the Day of My Party

Big day today. I'm introducing Vickey's Kitchen at my shindig, while the real Vickey's here with us. I'm up way too early on a Saturday. But I'm ready for the 40th party to get started. Let's roll.........

The Countdown Continues

I've been remiss in keeping up with my writing. This blogging is some work. I'm not always free to pen my thoughts and yet, I feel guilty when I don't. Gee.

Anyway, it's now June 9, about a week to my June 16 birthday. I'm hosting my party on June 11, so I'm very excited about that. I haven't had my own party since my surprise 18th. What a long time; I've hosted for the kids, for the hubby, my parents and others. Not really my own. So, I'm hoping for perfection but I'll settle with lots of fun with my friends.

I plan to introduce my venture to them and hopefully, they'll become regulars of Vickey's Kitchen. It's unique idea, having people come to our home to learn Trinidadian and Tobagoian cooking. And I want to focus on organic cooking. So, Vickey's Kitchen will be in full swing as I'm consider myself a natural didact. It's not in my nature to just cook for others; but to offer them the opportunity to learn for themselves as well.

So, on June 9, here's to the countdown to my birthday. I'm embracing it for what it stands. And I live my life with goals to carry me to the other side. I realize to live a full life, it must contain goals and aspirations. Otherwise, you're not living just existing.

On the End of the World

Really? So, a preacher, Harold Camping, claims that the end of the world was going to be May 21, 2011. So, that would have really sucked for me and my blog if I couldn't finish this and reach my 40th birthday. Geez. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/11/may-21-2011-end-of-the-world_n_860670.html#s277304&title=May_21_2011

Lots of people bought into it. The day was supposed to be the rapture, when God's chosen few will be picked up and taken to heaven, and miss the trials and tribulations coming with the end of times. Quite a few sold all their possessions, ran up credit cards, quit jobs, made amends, dropped a few. It was serious. I have never seen anything like this. I heard of a few Maryland folks who gave it all up; others spent life savings to put out end of world billboards etc. Wow.

It's now May 24. The world's still intact. I'm still here; and still planning. However, Camping says he's off by five months, so we look forward to another end-of-world drama on Oct. 21, 2011. I thought I read in the Bible that none of us, not even Jesus, knows when God is coming back. Last night I watched the finale of the new NBC 4 television show, The Event. That looked like an end-of-times saga when aliens returned to reclaim our planet--all 2 billion of them.

Above, I've inserted a YouTube video that says the end of the world is actually December 2012. I guess we'll see.

The Countdown is On

Whew, the countdown is on. It's less than a month before the big 40. Whew. What's changed? I've finally colored my hair (gotta hide these grays), I got my nails done, and I'm working out to lose some extra pounds. Man, they come on like I don't know. And they're slooooowwww to leave. Geez.

But my outlook's great. I'm loving life, and enjoying all God has offered. Life is good.

On June 11, I'll be having a cocktail party--nothing too fancy--just some friends to help me celebrate the next decade of my life. I'm excited. This is a month of celebration too. My daughter, Taleyah, turns 7 on June 4, and my son, Nicholas, will be graduating from Gonzaga College High School, on June 5. After that, we'll throw a barbeque/cake and ice cream party for them at our home. I want to keep it simple, not have too many people and just let the kids enjoy their time.

On Friendships

This is a hard post for me to do as my heart is heavy as I write. I've come to this conclusion that I'm may not be a good friend. I always thought I was. It took me almost 40 years to realize maybe I am not. These are the characteristics I thought made you a good friend--being compassionate; being available when needed; non-judgemental; fun; friendly; making time to check in on friends; being able to hang out on a moment's notice; allowing them to give the friendship on their terms, and just being there; I thought these are the characteristics that would give the friends you need. Now, granted, I have lots of guys I consider good friends. No one can beat the notion of a terrific guy friend who's only interested in you on a platonic level. God bless them. You could call him and talk for hours, and it ain't a thing. That's my buddy. I have those.

But there's nothing like a girl friend--one who you can be yourself with, lose yourself with, and just be able to share secrets of love that you can't share with spouses, significant others, kids or parents. That's the part that breaks my heart. I thought I had those types of friends--those cadre of terrific women I'll call on for conversation or to hang out, or just to touch base. I do have a couple of new friends where we're now developing our friendships. And I have some really old friends I've reconnected with, and we're slowly building back up what we had. But recently, I've been disappointed by a couple of those I thought were friends. You know, your girls you could hang with and be yourself with.

Granted, I don't think I'll ever be one of those women who other women think of first to help them. That may be my fault. I keep thinking maybe because I don't share my pain enough, other women may think I'm strong and I have it together. But I don't. I still need their friendships. I still need their strengths to carry me through the rough times. I still need their love. I don't think anyone will ask me to be a godmother. And that's ok. I can deal with that. I don't think I'll be that woman that other women feel they have to tell everything or that they have to surprise me with a gathering or anything like that. I can accept that I may never be that type of woman. I am close to 40 after all and the only surprise party I've ever had was when my little sister Terry Ann threw one for me on my 18th. I don't think I ever told her how much it meant to me. I'm definitely not the first woman people call to a group setting. Reminds me of the times when I was sometimes the last one to be picked for rounders. At other times I was captain, and other times, I was first one picked. It varied. But that feeling of being the last one picked. LOL, no fun.

Besides these, though, I did think I would be the type of woman that those who I think I'm close to, will at least check in now and again. See how I'm doing. How I'm holding up. How life's treating me. I've had so much going on that I would love to share. And then, they keep me abreast of their goings on. I love hearing about other people's lives. I love their stories, especially my single female friends. In my mind, I don't pass judgement, and I don't think I say anything. As I said, I allow people to come at me with the level of friendship they want.

I remember there was this one woman I met and we became good good friends--spending time at each other's homes, spouses and all. We even attended a wedding together. But then, it got a little crazy. I think she began to obsess, and we had to cut it unfortunately. I haven't forgotten her. Just wish her the best. She did tell me this: "Never Make Someone a Priority In Your Life, If You're Only An Option In Theirs." Poignant. Interesting.

I've always been trying to find that "perfect" female friend, the one who is truly a friend--a true friend. I must be doing something wrong because I'm reading people I think are friends but who may not be. And more often than not, many of them have let me down. I always tell my hubby there are certain women we interact with that I truly love, and that I admire. But it seems like the feeling isn't mutual. They don't seem to want me around that long, even when I think the conversation's going well. Don't talk about their husbands. All the wives talk to my husband in long conversations. And it's cool to me. But I could hardly engage their spouses except for a hey, what's up. One or two of them, maybe, might talk for five or 10 minutes. I don't get it. That's so confusing to me. I don't bite. All I'm seeking is connections and friendships.

Maybe I seek too much from friendships. And maybe I'm seeking things they don't really want Sometimes I wonder. I've even prayed many times for the Lord to send me good friends--those who he wants in my life. I realize their value. I wish they could see mine. Maybe I seem needy? Critical? Overly Judgemental? Harsh? Boring maybe? Stale? Awkward? Bad Conversationalist?  I'm at a loss because these are the very characteristics I try not to display. Yet I do know some women who display these personalities, and they have true friends. Maybe it's enough to just have the "friends" on FaceBook without having that interpersonal connection. So, then, why is there a big hole in my heart from what seems to be the loss of a very good friend. Maybe, this is God's answer to me. And I am confused. I wish I knew the answer I seek.